Long time, no write xanga. I been so preoccupied. I started to write many times, but I didn't have enough time to write what I wanted so I didn't. I haven't wrote since my grandmother passed. Don't have too much to say about that. My way of dealing with it, is not to deal with it. I know that is not the best way, but it works for now.   I haven't even cried about it yet. I was too busy being strong for my family. But, moving to another subject.

School.  School is off the chain and I don't mean that in a good way. There is so much going on that I'm fighting, and I can't even be mad because I have definitely brought it on myself. You know I was thinking today and I was stuck. Because, I realize the place I am in was created by me not following what God said. And I find it hard to even ask Him for help knowing that I am where I am because of myself. So, so I still ask God for provision. Why should I ask Him, and He told me and I didn't follow. I don't know . Just a very daunting place to be. Do you or do you not continue to lead? I feel so unworthy of God's touch. But, I wouldn't stop completely because I realize that someone else still needs help. Despite, whether I feel helpless and hopeless, I still try and give everything that I have left, so I can at least see someone else's life change. Man....I don't know.

But, other than that. I'm staying in Greensboro this summer and I still don't completely know what I am doing!!!! But, it's getting late, gotta go.

Well...I've called all the friends I have and none of them are answer their phones, So Xanga, you get to listen in as I talk to God. I'm home, or shall I say one of my homes. I'm in Rose Hill, NC visiting with my grandmother. I wish I had come sooner. The reason of my visit is tragic. Unfortunately my granny is passing. She is in the last days of her life. Actually, as we speak, she is probally in the last hours. Within in the last year of her life, my grandmother's health has moved from moderate to severe. After many strokes, it's just her time. My grandmother, being as strongwilled as she is, has opted not to send the last days of her life in a hospital. After watching, two of her children die, 3 husbands, and all her sisters die, she has definitely made up in her mind that she does want to die in a hospital. So, basically she is in a home hospice situation. She gets to die at home very comfortablely.  Which is a good thing, she has her family around her. On Thursday, for the first time in many years, she had the opportunity to have four or her 5 children under the same roof. Along with a few grandchildren, a her newest great grand. I wasn't able to be there for that, I hadn't got her yet. But, she was awake, alert, and reactive. Joking and having fun. And that was her first time since the previous Tuesday of even getting out of the bed. Man...This morning wasn't quite the same. She woke up very disorientated. She didn't remember anyone. It was sad. I was sad. Come to find out she had suffered from another one of her many stroked the night before. But, after some morphine and adervan, she came around. I was able to have a conversation with my grandmother. When she finally came to, she looked at the door of her room, and said "My sweetheart". I was like "Yeah it's me" She hugged me and gave me a kiss. I will cherish it forever. I was able to tell her thank you for everything she did for me. She told me how she was so proud of me for going to college and just staying out of trouble. She told me to keep my head up. Even in her state, my grandmother still had a since of humor. God I thank you. Because, If she died without me being able to talk to her or her notice me, it would of been hard. I held her hand, and told her she ran a good life. It's amazing how in a day, the best and worst could happen. She had about 3 or 4 hours of alertness and went to sleep to take a nap b/c all the medication she was one makes her sleepy, only....she is not waking up from this nap and is not going to. She hasn't responded to verbal stimuli or painfully stimuli. She is officially in a coma. It's weird though, because she is snoring and coughs every now and then. But she isn't going to wake up. I'm not upset at all. I just wanted her to go peaceful. So for the last 4hrs we having just been watching her. It's a matter of time now, she has been giving medicine to make her as comfortable as possible, which she is. Because, it just looks like she's sleeping. So who knows. Only God knows, when the last breath will come. It won't be painful. She will actually just die in her sleep, falling safe into His arms. Everything has already been taking care of. My grandmother even picked out her casket. Man, I didn't think it was going to hit me hard, but it is. This was the woman that took care of me when my parents divorced. For 4 years of my life, I was her child. She gave me what she had and more. Jesus...Father just give me strength. Strength to be strong for others. Joy to overflow to others. Well xanga, thank you for listening. Just keep me and mine in your prayers.

Scripture: "Into thy hands I command my spirit""To be absent from the body, is to be with the Lord"-Granny, take your journey home. It is finished.

Well....Today is Tuesday. My fast was over Monday at 12am. I thank God for the strength He granted. The encouragement that He allowed people to give me. I'm grateful. The seeds that I've sown in the spirit will reap blessings. And everything that I have sown, the devil is angry. In noon day Bible study, my pastor just taught and expounded on some revelation he received from God in meditation that morning. A lot of what he said came as a conformation. And he told me the decisions I'm facing right now has nothing to do with my Destiny. He paralleled it to the story of the donkey that Jesus rode into Jerusalem on. God sent his disciples to get a donkey and told them that it would be tied between two roads. And he talked about how we are like the donkey. We are tied between decisions in life and we are perplexed. We are stuck. But the donkey's decisions had nothing to do with his destiny. God came and chose him. Just the same, some decisions that I am facing right now have nothing to do with my destiny. But, it's perplexing, because I'm looking at what's in front of me and I'm not sure what to do. But, I'm glad for the word. When pastor was going around the room, asking "what did you get out of this?", I told him that a lot of the word came as confrontation because I have a lot decisions that I need to make.And he said "I got the answer for you". He said two things. Number 1 was a question. He said "How will my decision affect the kingdom of God?". Number 2, he said "You can't replace destiny with comfort". He was like, you either have the word you need to make the decision or you don't or...You have and don't follow it. He said, I already know what to do in my heart. Now, the hard part comes in because I understand what I have to do but there are obstacles and situations in front of the decision and I don't know what to do with the obstacle and situation. Do I stand still? Do I fight it out? Do I rely on God's favor? Or is it just meant to be? And a part of me, would like to just choose another road completely, but that probably is not the right road. Then on top of that, regardless of what's going on, ministry is still to be done. Things will still be required on your hand. I am thankful for God just elevating me in ministry and just establishing me the more. They say the anointing cost and It does. But guess what, I AM GRATEFUL, at little tired, yes, but I'm not stopping. like a race horse, I am focused on the goal. Sometimes you look around for an Aaron to hold up your arms when you are tired. It's funny because, I was asking the Lord last week, did I have and Aaron. Someone that labors with you enough, just to know you. Moses never had to tell Aaron he was tired, Aaron saw his arms falling and held them up. Lord do I have an Aaron ?? But, you know what I just realized. "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not to thing own understanding, But in all thine ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct your paths." God, thank you. You are teaching me to lean on no one but you. I can't look to anyone for comfort. I have to look to God. Can't expect friends to be there for me. Can't really even expect parents to be there. I just gotta trust in God in this point of my life. Well I gotta go now. Need to read the good ol' Word and lean on that.

Signing off

PS: Just to make sure the enemy doesn't try to capture any of the words I say, CAPTURE THIS. You still can't stop me. Might be preplexed, but still focused. I'm still running and you are not knocking me down. Don't you know my trainer is undefeated in every weightclass.

"Say I'm sorry", "I'm sorry", I won't do it no more" "I do it no more"(Meet the Browns). I haven't wrote to ya'll in forever. So this entry will be long. So bear with me.

Ok Xanga family, Like the prodigal son, I have returned home, literally..... So much has happened since the last time I wrote. Where do I begin.  I went to NY for Christmas break, and as always, it was the same ol' same ol'. I was ready to get back. I painted the house a little for my mom and just chilled out. I actually rode up with my Pastor's sister, Aunt Janey. I was cool. So I come back to Greensboro, NC and my life changes. The new year brought about new changes, and a lot of changes, some shifting. God was tired of me and was after me. Man, my worship was different, my praise was different, everything was changing. OK, so everybody has a calling on their life, and there comes a point when God begins to tap you on the shoulder. Ya'll, HE WAS TAPPING ON THE SHOULDER. It got crazy. Every time I would go into worship, I could hear Him, whispering my name. My worship, would go but so far. Every time I would close my eyes, I could see God. I wasn't getting any sleep. My nights were restless and my days perplexed. Let me tell you what did it. January 15. That morning worship was different, but good. I went to my parents(spiritual parents) house after church just to eat and chill before the evening service I was going to. I remember sitting on the couch in between my mother and father, and my father looked at me and lay his hands on my head and prayed. He didn't say anything to me, he just prayed. He didn't even know the struggle that I was having in my mind at the time. So after a while, I went to go support my brother that evening because he was doing his initial sermon. He did more than well. He stood flat footted and declared what thus saith the Lord, I was so proud of him. Man, I was in the back praying for him hard too from the minute I walked through the door. You gotta support your friends. Little did I know that that night would be the straw the broke the camels back The Sunday morning before service in the shower, I was talking to God, and He answered some things in Sunday morning service at GAFCIM. So, after his initial sermon, we all went out bowling. Ya'll I can not bowl for the life of me. I just can't get the coordination of it. It's a shame. But, anyway I wasn't getting out of the car and I'm tieing my shoe and my friend as he always did, as of the recent times had jokes of me running(i.e. running from the call). But this night, when he ask me are you tired, I sat real funny in my spirit.  That night I came home, feeling numb because I knew what God had said and I knew what I needed to do, but didn't want to. I did get some sleep that night, but that whole day was perplexing. That night, I went with some people to one of brother's house just to chill. We cooked chicken and all kinds of stuff.The chicken was slamming. You guys, let me pause, My roommate makes the best chicken in the world. My God from Zion. But  anyway, in the midst of all those people, I seemed alone. My mind wasn't really there. I tried my hardest that night to keep my mind on other things but, all I could here was God calling my name. Ya'll I can remember about to bust into tears, looking at my chicken, rice, and green beans(The chicken was that good it could make you cry, but it wasn't that). Just then, guess who calls, yes the minister(my brother who did the initial the night before). So, I stepped outside to talk cause it was like seven of us in the house. So, I talking to him, but my mind wasn't really on talking with him either. Seeing as how he knows me just a little, not as much as he thinks(LOL), he asks me what's up. Of course I say nothing. Then he asks it again "Are you tired", but this time my response was different. I said "yes". "yes, I tired of running, but I'm afraid to run to Him". You see for me guys it was hard. Ever since I've been in church people have prophesied over me saying that I'm going to be this great women of God, called to be an evangelist, and all types of stuff and let me stick in there millionaire. And even young I was like "okay, whatever". From 16 on, I would always find myself under pastors, preachers, evangelists and musicians. I thought it was cool then. And it was. Some of it was fun and some I wish I never met. I was able to see the sacrifices that ministry can cost you by watching them. I was able to see the heart ache. Being called to is no joke. There were some things I said I would never do or be. I just wanted to be a lay member and work with the youth and help the pastor. But how many of you know if God calls you, you really ain't got no choice. Let me pause make mention of the vision God showed me. One week earlier, on a Tuesday while in church, God showed me a glimpse. A glimpse into my future. When I saw it, I was like cool. Man that's awesome. That's what's up. But, then reality and fear set in. I realized that to get to there from where I'm at, it would take alot. People might not like you. people might not understand you. Might not have friends. Just a set apart life. So, that Monday when God was like it's time. It's time to step it up, b/c I got some places to take you. Of course, I was like "Umm...God, no thank you". I didn't want to go through what I had seen others go through. I didn't want to bear the burden of ministry. But on the Monday, January 16, I came to the conclusion, that I didn't have a choice. So that night I went home and cried for a while, didn't pray much, I figured the only thing God was trying here is yes and all I was saying is why.That whole night I listened to Shekinah Glory, track 12 "Yes". That song is like the official anthem, of those running from God. I listened to it Tuesday. I listened to it Wednesday. Wednesday night about 11:53pm, I decided to call my spiritual father, because I needed some guidance. Good thing he works night shift. So I called him, and just poured my heart out. He listened and then he talked and at the end of the conversion, he said "daughter, you are not going to get anywhere if you don't answer the call". And then he said we are here to support you. I hung up the phone, after having him pour some wisdom, knowledge and understanding into me,....... I laid on my face, cried a little, then said "YES". (sniff, sniff). My God, what a peace of mind.

So, what now. God had already laid in my spirit what it would take. I had probably known about 4 months ago, that I would be fasting. Last year, when I was asking God about moving in some areas concerning my school, I told Him, that if I had to fast for the whole semester, then so be it. Needless to say when January started I was not fasting, but I was before it ended. So Thursday, I knew what had to come next, some circumcision of my flesh. So, I committed to God, the next 90 days. Now, this fast that I'm on is not to get congratulations from anyone. I actually don't like telling anyone, about anything. Because people are going to ask you what were you running from and when I tell them evangelist, they are usually like "Amen, evangelist you better do it." NO GOD. Trust, it is not me doing this. Because I wouldn't do this if I didn't have to. But, this fast is to circumcise my flesh, to separate the old man from the new man and move closer to God. Because I realized that God has some places to take me, and I must prepare myself now. I must dive into the word and move closer to God. I'm just like "Lord, where you lead me I will follow". It's funny because that Sat.(Jan 21) we had our Collegiate Training and our pastor talked about having confidence in yourself and he went around asked everyone to answer the question."What is it that's hindering you?" and "What are you going to do about it?" Man, when he came around to me, I couldn't stop crying. And that day in front of Pastor and a few college students. I told them "I surrender to God, it's not my will but your will be done" And pastor was like, God was talking to him about me and how when I first got to church I use to dress like where I was going(Your girl looked fly in the suits) but of lately I've been dressing like where I'm coming from. And he was like, when you first got here, I can remember what you had on and he said I called you it then and that's what you are, and evangelist. Now, funny thing is, I don't even remember him saying that to me. I been in the church 1 1/2yrs, and I've wanted him to come up to me and tell me what I am, and what God had called me to do. But, it doesn't work like that. He didn't tell me what I had been called to do, until God had told me and confirmed it in my spirit first. So when pastor said it, it just confirmed it in my spirit. If he would of told me before, I wouldn't of been able to accept it. But God knows all things.

So almost a month into my fast and God is already, showing me myself. Where I need to change? what I need to add? He is also elevating me and establishing me. I've made mistakes. Like the time I went out to eat with the church after service and everybody was getting the porkchop dinner and not even thinking, I got it too, forgetting that I off of red meat for the next 90 days. I almost cried. I finished the porkchop though, but I almost cried. I didn't quit and I won't quit, I got the finish line in my view. I wouldn't give up now anyway, He means too much to me. Give up and do what????? Run again.....RIIIIGHT!! I'm actually on an absolute fast now. My God from Zion. It has been hard. People have been offering me free food left and right. Everything looks so good. I've been going to sleep with headaches and waking up with them. Can't take any medicine, because I would be a fool. Taking medicine without food is iffy, but taking it without anything at all in your stomach, now that's just crazy. My stomach has been acting up as well. Man, the devil has really been trying to attack my flesh, BUT,BUT, BUT....I must be close. Because the devil is trying me. To God be the glory

 So xanga family keep me in your prayers. Don't treat me any different. I promise I won't act any different. I probably am a little bit nicer now. God is definitely softening my heart. And I commend everyone to just follow God in life. Thanks for reading.